based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
im having a threesome with these popsicles
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
