I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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