It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
