3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
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Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
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She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Drunk is a universal language darling
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize