I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
