beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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