i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
