My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
