How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
