Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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