I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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