dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
