You made me cry and you don't even care
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
