How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
