Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
