is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
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I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
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Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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