just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
