aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
