Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
