The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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