Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
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some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
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She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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