Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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