respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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