he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
