Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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