he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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