Don't make out with my wife yet
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
