last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I need water and some morals
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
