i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
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