I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
