New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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