i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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