I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
