I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
