apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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