No, you can still breathe under the balls.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
