Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
