every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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