So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
