I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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