Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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