There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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