I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
