I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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