weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
