After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
