I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
All the doctor said was why
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
