Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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