I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
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If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
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Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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