I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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