I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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