dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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