Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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