I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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